Charlotte's Web

Blogging my world since 2006


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Litlove’s Parenting Meme

We have just handed over our three children to some wonderful friends for a Saturday night sleepover, and I am soon to don my Berlin party dress and head to another friend’s birthday party, from which we do not have to return till dawn should we so choose. Thusly childfree, it seems like the perfect moment to attempt Litlove’s Parenting Meme.

(And, since there has been a little, just a very very little, bit of daytime drinking, I cannot be held responsible for some of the things I may or may not say below.)

Litlove’s Parenting Meme:

How do you view your role as a parent? What are you there to do?

To love and protect. To guide and assist. To equip and prepare. To model behaviours and be consistent.

In your social circle, are mothers expected to work or are they encouraged to stay home with the child?

I know very, very few women who do not work in some way or another, but I also know very, very few women who have returned to work full-time. The short school day in Germany and the lack of adequate after-school care means that most women only do part-time or freelance work. The few I do know who work a full 40-hour week have live-in help, who collect the children from school, provide meals if necessary and play the role of parent until Mama or Papa comes home. However, the older children are, and the more independent they are able to be, the longer hours most mothers work.

How do you feel about your children’s education? What’s good about it, and what would you like to see done differently?

I am thrilled with the German kindergarten system with its emphasis on childhood, play and learning by doing. I feel it is a privilege in this highly pressurised world that my children have been allowed this gentle, fun and completely non-academic start. We are two years into the primary school system and I am satisfied thus far, though still horrified that our state requires my child to start high school in Grade Five. The school appears to cater to the lowest common denominator, which is probably the case in all state education systems and I can accept it. However, I am unhappy with the idea of my kids staying in German-only education for the rest of their schooling, so we are starting to scout around for bilingual schooling options. They exist, but at a price.

How do you share the childcare with your partner (if it is shared)? Do you tend towards different activities or different approaches to parenting?

I have been opinionated about how I want my children raised, and have been lucky in that my husband shares my views. He accepted potentially divisive things like sleep-sharing, attachment parenting, long-term breast-feeding without a murmur, and says today that our offspring are better off for it. He is a totally hands-on parent and has been from the start. While he could have chosen career paths that meant he would only see his kids at the weekend, he has always avoided what he calls “the rat-race”, and made choices that give him time with them. This is the reason we do not live in London, Johannesburg or New York. While I am still the primary care-giver, we are aiming in the long run towards a model where I work more and he cares more.

What are the most important virtues to instill in a child?

It sounds cliched, but I do think nothing beats a healthy dose of self-esteem.

What’s the relationship like between mothers at the park and the school gate? Would someone you didn’t know help you out in a stressful moment?

While I am not a fan of baby groups and forced mother-child group activities (in fact, I run screaming), the mothers whom I have met via kindergarten and school have been my life-savers. I am not everyone’s best mate, and I think some find me slightly odd, but I have some very dear friends who have kept me sane, make me laugh and love my kids. If I’m at a playground with my children, I have no trouble chatting with other Mamas if I’m in the mood, but sometimes I just want to zone out and look at the clouds.

What do you fear most for your children?

I try hard not to live in fear, but I suppose I fear something terrible happening to them. I also fear that we are making an inhospitable planet for them to live on.

How do you discipline your child and what are the errors you would put most effort into correcting?

I am one of those boring Mamas who cares about manners, and I probably overdo the repetition on that score. I don’t like violence and that is punished with time-outs on the stairs (a bad, bad thing that makes people cry). I am intolerant of whining and one of my oft-repeated phrases is “Say that to me in your pleasant voice.” Like Litlove, I find that aptly-used praise is more beneficial than lots of negative talk.

Do you think the life of a child has changed much since you were young?

Oddly enough, we are managing to replicate our South African childhood, where we spent a lot of time outdoors, walked to and from places independently of our parents and were expected to be social beings who could converse with adults and children alike here in Germany. Having said that, childhood has become more technological and we are constantly monitoring and assessing how well we are handling that. (For anyone who’s interested, Lia of the Yum Yum Cafe has been writing a fabulous series of posts on children and technology.) My kids also have a greater awareness of the world, and have travelled far more, than I ever had or did as a child.

What is the best compliment your children could pay you for your parenting skills?

My kids are good at frequent, fulsome compliments, so clearly I model praising really well. If they said I helped them to be happy and be their authentic selves, I would rest on my laurels.

Feel free to play too.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a party dress to don …


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The Extreme Cuteness

My son turned three this week, and is turning into a big boy. Big boy signs are eager use of potty at specific times of day, determination to do things by himself including laborious undressing at bathtime, and a rejection of the perambulator as a useful means of transport. He is a delightful child, loved to distraction by his parents, his sisters and all the little girls in his forest kindergarten, but one of the best things about him is his turn of phrase.

I give you some recent Ollie-isms:

Early one morning, as Mummy winds open the blinds: “Oh, today is purple!”

While out for a “walk” in the forest, 50% of which he spends being carried piggy-back by, you guessed it, Mummy:

Ollie: “Mummy, you are a nice girl.”
Mummy: “Thanks, Ollie, you are a nice boy.”
Ollie: “Oh, fank you, Mummy.”

Playing at Daddy’s feet, with two helicopters he has received for his birthday from very kind godparents and friends. One helicopter says to the other, “Darling, I’m just popping out to the shops.”

While “walking” in Mannheim:
Mummy: “Wouldn’t you like to walk now, Ollie? My back is getting a little sore.”
Ollie: “No. But fank you for the kind offer.”


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Just Call Me Elizabeth

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Thanks Dewey for the pointer.

Well, I consider this a compliment, even though I think choosing “hot tea” over “bourbon whiskey” as my drink of the moment was the clue to being written by Jane Austen and not Hunter S. Thompson.

I received some kindly flak from my dear friend Lia for only thinking up five compliments in the 10 Best Compliments meme. I am so much better at being self-deprecating than self-promoting, but I think the clue (having read Courtney’s compliment meme this morning) is to see compliments as an indication that we are well-rounded people, more than just our jobs, our families and our appearances.

So here are five more compliments:

5. We have a lot of visitors, both family and friends, who come to stay. I take it as a huge compliment because it means that despite the relative chaos, people like being in our home. That makes me happy. I think we have evolved a style of catering to our visitors’ needs that makes them feel comfortable and at home with us. Most South Africans do not see Germany as an enticing holiday destination, so I feel thrilled that certain friends have made the effort to visit us here. When people come all the way to Germany, I know it’s because they are coming to see us, and not just using us as a convenient base from which to tour Baden-Wurttemburg. That means a lot. (Though if they did want to use us as a base from which to tour B-W, we’d be happy about that too.)

4. It’s a great compliment that after nearly 13 years of marriage, 15 years of togetherness, three babies, the gaining of some kilograms, the acquisition of some grey hairs and crow’s feet, my husband still finds me sexy.

3. I have never needed to hunt for work. The work I do now comes from both of my former employers and it is a testament to my relationships at both companies that the work still flows my way.

2. One of my daughters is very girly. She loves it when I make an effort to look nice – when I put on a dress, some make-up, heels. She looks up me as if I am a princess and breathes, “You look BEAUTIFUL, Mummy”. It’s worth the effort, just to hear that from my D.

1. You still there? I take that as a compliment. I’m thrilled that this blog has readers, that people take the time to read, to comment and to be so very encouraging. Without that, Charlotte’s Web might have turned to dust months ago. Thank you.